i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
