if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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