You smell like stripper and shame
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
