I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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