Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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