Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize