i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
