I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
