just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
