and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
