So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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