Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
