if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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