I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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