Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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