He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
