My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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