and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
