i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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