you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
