Are we in a gay sports bar?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
