I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
