dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I wish they made helmets for livers.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
