I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
