The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
