The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
