Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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