I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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