Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
