You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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