Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
