Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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