i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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