dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize