I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
