I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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