i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize