I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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