Ambien. No doubt about it.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
