WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
