My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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