Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
