unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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