So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
