Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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