how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
