dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
