dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
