what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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