i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
