i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Oh god it's open bar.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
