I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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