I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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