First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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