the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
