Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
