nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
