sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
