am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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