Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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