the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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